wherever I go, there I am

on moving, growing, and happiness

I published my last newsletter, or affectionally called “blog”, in November 2021. A lot’s happened 14 months.

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Updates

Since my last letter: My therapist of 6 months broke up with me. I quit a soul-sucking job. I started a better job that gave me back my life. The last person alive who I felt loved me unconditionally and the matriarch of my family, my maternal grandmother, passed away unexpectedly. It happened on my birthday. My “golden birthday” to be specific, which is when your age and the date of the month match. I didn’t even know what it was until a few weeks prior and I was really excited about it for some reason that seems so dumb now. Plenty to unpack there. I’ve had people pull me aside to point out how painfully beautiful and divine it is. She left the same day her first grandchild was born. It seems kinda like an elementary conclusion to make. I really don’t like when people take a surface-level observation and present it as deep. But I think that’s grief talking through snark. I’m spiritual (sometimes delusional) enough to know some things are more than coincidences. It does feel special to have this connection to her, even though I also foresee it hurting a lot. Like I said, painfully beautiful. That covers the first month. A lot’s happened!

In the next 13 months, I started co-hosting a podcast with Rijaab for fun, I got a new therapist, I visited Pakistan for the first time in 17 years, caught COVID, and, most relevant to today, I took a huge leap of faith in myself and moved to a new city on my own.

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Resetting

This letter has taken many forms and I’ve felt many ways about what I should be doing with this space. Always pushing against the forces saying why bother? who cares? I’m hoping to return with a less critical attitude and use this little corner for experimentation, reflection, and documenting whatever is important or interesting. I’m hoping to have fun here but I’ll be honest I have a lot of emotional stuff I think I need to work through along the way. So if that sounds like something you want to see, I hope you enjoy reading and sharing your thoughts along the way :)

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Wherever I Go, There I Am

When I started seeing my new therapist last year, they would ask me incredibly invasive questions like, When you imagine the life you’d like to live, what do you see? I’d close my eyes, take a deep breath, and see bright, glaring white. I see nothing. Then I’d frantically ask, How do people know what they want? What does intuition feel like? How do you know, deep down, who you are?!?

I’ve lived most of my life in waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting for my obedience and discipline to pay off. While I waited, I tucked away my complicated feelings and hid my curiosities. I thought these things don’t really benefit anyone else it’s just my stuff… so I can wait to address them. I can wait to pick up that hobby. I can wait to try and fail. I can wait to cry. I can wait to say what I think. I can wait to live.

You can see why it was hard for me to know what I want lol. I never gave myself a chance!!!!!! So, I finally did something only for myself. I asked a few trusted people for their advice, prayed to God, found a place, signed a lease, and started a new life.

I wanted to make sure I wasn’t hastily running away from something or running to something, but moving with clarity and purpose. I moved to Oakland because it seemed like a place I could tend to my own garden while growing alongside great people. I truly came here expecting nothing from anyone, only to be met by warm welcomes and unconditional generosity. I’m still learning what I want and who I am, but I feel closer to the answer every day. I’ve surprised myself so much in the process. I’m much braver than I ever imagined. I have so much I want to see, try, and do and I’m seeing, trying, and doing it. I push myself and I forgive myself. I have fun and I do the work. I party and I pray. I go places alone and I spend wonderful, endless hours with people I’ve grown to love very much.

Another thing I spent my life waiting for was to be happy. Sometime along the way, I internalized countless external messages into the belief that true happiness is awarded. It’s an external force gifted to you in exchange for obedience, discipline, sacrifice, etc. But this move has taught me that I can generate some of my own happiness. I don’t know where my life will lead or what circumstances I’ll find myself in. I just know that everywhere I go, there I am. I’m the one constant in my life and I’m responsible for taking care of that constant. Through this move, I’ve learned to take care of her by maintaining a sense of appreciation. Every day I look for things to be grateful for, I remind myself of how much I’ve grown, and I let myself get excited about what may come. I’m creating my own source of happiness that can’t be taken away and isn’t waiting to be filled by anyone else. It gives me courage and makes the world seem bigger than ever before. I’m glad I’m not withholding this feeling from myself anymore.

I’ll end here for now. If you’re looking for the TL;DR it’s:

LOVE LIFE! WELCOME TO OAKLAND

I’ll be back much sooner than 14 months!

<3 Rabee